Two Bit Rant

With Keta at my side, passed out and dead to the world, I sit here in bed blogging in my boxers and a t-shirt.  Dooooooooula.

Amy and I had our prenatal classes today.  I honestly have to admit I think it was a tie between the ball and chain and I of who was the teachers pet.  I was the strong, silent type - especially when we entered the hemorrhoids and anal fissure topics, of which I am somewhat of an encyclopedia.  However, when The Quiz asked, "Name some benefits of breast feeding for mommy.", I pounced on it like a fat kid on a Skittle.  I told Amy the answer, "What is reduces the chances of boob cancer, over."

Now I love Amy; however, if there is one thing I can't stand - it is someone who steals Thunder.  Especially when it is my Thunder.  I owned that question.  My reputation was hanging in the balance - that baby was mine for the taking.  I understand I am a sinner and I by no means have attained perfection; however, that does not give my deceptively sinful wife of mine to steal my gah-lo-ree!  With much satisfaction and a smirk as wide as a Larry da Croc, she looked deep into my eyes and gleefully answered, "Breast feeding reduces the chance of getting breast cancer in mothers who breast feed."

Hey look, my pride is on the floor.  Excuse me while I pick it up and dust it off.

Now, I strongly desire to share with you some of the most fabulous words I intend on using in my everyday Mikenglish.  I believe that "toxoplasmosis" is by far my favorite.  Let me indulge your palate by utilizing this marvel of the English language in a sentence.

"ApGar, desiring much to be like his hero, the chi-who-ah-who-ah from the Taco Bell commercials, took a cold shower to reduce his Toxoplasmosis count."

Another juicy little nugget was "Episciotomy" or something along those lines.  Maybe I'm just in denial of what it really entails, the fact is, it sounds gnarly rolling off my tongue.  "Hey you little punk!  Get off my lawn or I'll go all episciotomy on your ass!  Yi."  Miconium is just wrong.  Oxytocin sounds like an ointment old people put on their joints and ligaments.

I think the highlight of the day was my madness during Pregnancy Jeopardy.  Let's just say I went for the throat with, "I'll take Diaper Bags for $500."  Gleaming in victory, I strolled out of the boardroom doing my own little dance, all the while chanting, "Douala!  Douala!  Douala!"